Prayer

. Cracking the silence

Reading a text about the dangers of "toxic positivity" some specific shades of my daily life passed through my mind. Seeing coworkers crying, having myself fallen ill (several times - due to work), listening to brief takes of other sectors and the absurd overload of work. At the same time the company asks them not to stay longer than scheduled (but they add "extra work" at any time they need, regardless of how employees are).

I silence my thoughts and "keep on" moving. The present moment and all. I admire all the good moments, and I am grateful for many things. I do enjoy my time with the children and feel better than three months ago.

But I keep getting sick. I keep feeling belittled by my position in the company. I keep silencing so many questions, so many projects - so many wonderful (and cheap!) ideas. Not only because I strongly believe that now is not the best moment, but also because I feel tired. Too tired to perform my "optimal state" (which affects personal life as well). Too tired to become the best professional version of myself.

Don't they hear this noisy, muddy, and heavy silence?

It is almost as I could touch it. Truth be told, it touches me every day.

Isn't silence toxic too?

Maintaining a good "picture" of oneself has so many different meanings for me now. 

Yet I've kept my intentions clear, maintained my health as well as possible and provoked some changes that benefit my performance. 

But not my "well-being". No. That doesn't ever seem to have enough space to be observed, reviewed, optimized. There's always another "urgent task" that takes place, pushing all those "abstract, deep" layers of my work hidden by curtains of "good enough".

I wish they knew, I wish they cared. 

Here's what I'd ask, in essence (mere appearances don't work):
I seek cooperation, trust and consciousness / critical sense. 

In my heart there's still hope. I don't know exactly how it will unfold. But "evolutionary pressure" will demand change... One way or another.

I hope I can be truthful to myself and recognize my own boundaries, paving the way for me to excel in everything I must do.

"May I have serenity to accept things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and wisdom to tell the difference."